I know I don’t even have to do this because the last thing we need is some other pro organic grown, hippie jam band loving, occupy wallstreet sympathizer type talking about how giant mega corporations are ruling the world. But even though I am occasionally sometimes occasionally and often no where near any of those things I just listed I have to tell you from any logical perspective: WALMART IS PURE FUCKING EVIL. Period. No exclamation point necessary. Even the all caps was a big much. But it’s the truth and I don’t even know where to start(which is not just an invitation for myself((just a casual observer) to get on a tirade and go on for 15 pages about all the indepth shit they’ve done- I just want to scratch the surfice)) see what I did there with sub parenthesis? Dude my grammar needs help.
This is inspired by this horrible fucking walmart prop piece I just had to witness where some bullshit(million dollar) PR firm told them they need to change their image and “rebrand.” Check out this string tugger worth that’s making General Gerbils give a wink and a nod from his grave:
Ya man. Tell me about it. How does that make you feel bro? well 4 out of 7 shit heads in a focus group just said that this made them feel better about buy a 6 pack of Great Value Chunk Light for a lower price than that communist, price fixing Bumble Tuna douche. Walmart thanks for trying. We get it youre so fucking big it really doesn’t matter what we do. We are drawn in like flies on a zapper to them low low prices. So heres the short list of things that I just need to remind you of that you’ve done to put yourself so far down in a shit hole but still makes your aroma intoxicating for americans:
• You shit on mexico
• Ya we all shit on mexico. I get it. Mexico is the butt of the joke. Where im from in florida when you call someone a Mexican….brother, you better fucking mean it. I still get nervous when I ask someone where their family is from now that I live in California. When they say mexico I have to smile and nod like a shit head and say “ahhh mexico” half unsurprised and half gitty inside cause its like I just called a black guy that one word(voldemort) to his face and now we’re agreeing on it. Heres what you did to mexico in one list :
• You built shit right next to their sweet temples and made them tackier than one of your ads
• You bribed the government down there like you were getting the paying off the bouncer to get in the club on Friday night
• Youre trying to make them exactly like us and we complain about how they make us shitty
• You pollute the fuck out of everything!
• You think your shit don’t stank but it really does. Check out all these dead birds. Now check out this nasty lake. Now check out this shit that walmart left sitting out in the rain and got all up in that shit we drink
• Broad strokes here, but you have totally destroyed america
So I get it people. My grandfather thinks sam walden is a sait. He drives around the country he always stays in a walmart parking lot with his rv. He literally has a book with maps to all the locations. Hes given reviews about all this stuff to the actual exects. He is THAT grandpa. This commercial is just too much. Im sorry walmart. I know, youre really trying, and yes you have most of us in a hypnotical trance that I have to admit is damn near as hard to kick as the meth problems of its middle America loading dock workers, but seriously- we just can’t buy it. Wait that’s it! We just can’t buy shit from them anymore!..actually that’s not gonna work. Cause you are everywhere! Especially mexico. And trying to get into china too. But seriously if you are gonna be here to stay, can you atleast clean up some of your act so we don’t have to feel the pang of cognitive dissonance we should all be feeling as we experience bargain prices on the things we already buy, deeply discounted beer and tobacco, and damn near just about everything that we super needed but only the moment after we just now saw it. And if youre gonna keep using that “well if we did that we wouldn’t be able to offer such low prices which would damnage our inherent business model” well if that’s gonna be your excuse, that’s not the go getting American attitude that built this nation
Pic sam walden
FUCK! I forgot about all the shit you make in those factories that burn people alive. Damn.
Dude you don’t even pay taxes!
Not another scathing review of walmart…
Just a quick recap of what we already know.
Look at all these damn fine americans that shop at walmart and buy our gmo garbage and great value tampons. A teacher, who is dumb enough to think that kind of business model is sustainable
• Dude you treat your employees like shit! Listen im all for this whole free market shit. People should be able to do what they want when they want with their companies. Seriously, everyone thinks this is crazy cause they don’t get it. And by it the way free markets work. But this one is a bit hairy because what do we do? Let walmart do whatever they want, cause it’s a private business and you don’t have to work there. In theory that’s kinda it. But seriously, these people are fucking slaves cause they have to shop at walmart cause all they can afford on their walmart salary is the walmart! I don’t know if you learned about company towns in history but here ya go. Learn u some. On the other hand, what do we do? Slap em with more injunctures and standards and have the gov hike up the min. wage so now all these slums will be making exactly enough to get a 100 stack of paper plates, some motts apple juice(cause its payday!) and that 32 in hitachi that they have been saving up for and can finally afford cause they work their and horhey gave them first dibs on the open box with employee discout(not sure of their policy but I don’t think u can apply any other discounts to returned merchandise) if youre a teacher and u teach your kids this economic model works! Fuckin a bro.
• Hes a firefighter and then theres also a carpenter oh my! Where the fuck is the farmer rolling up his sleaves
• Youre an accountant ? do the math. This doesn’t work
• Keep saving for college buddy cause weve already established that that’s pretty good investment these days. Just keep shoving em down that pipe and see if it works this time. “hey jim! Throw in more kids!”